About my sister

Yesterday morning my sister laura passed away from brain cancer. Its been hard trying to deal with it. I have a mix of emotions from sad, angry, shock, denial. Just to name a few.
My sister laura has always been my one sibling that I always had a close relationship with the one I loved more than anything even though I didn't show it. But deep down I did love my sister and cared a great deal about her. It's just weird to talk about her in the past tense. I still can't accept that shes gone and never coming over to my house again. I still half expect her to be coming over knocking on my front door. And we will just talk and watch tv like we used to. I remember when she first got sick this year. Back in febuary I was there when they told her she has tumors in the brain. Of course it felt like a punch in the stomach. This is the 3rd time she had cancer. And every other time shes had it. Its been curable, But not this time. Over the last 5 months shes been up and down. For awhile she was getting better and she did go home from the hospital for a short time. Then slowly over time she went downhill again. it hurt to see her suffer and watch her cry. Watch her tell me how much she was afraid of dying. Spending hours by visiting with her for months though the better and worse times. And I still thought she was going to get better that she would slowly but surely get over this. I keep thinking about all the times we shared about the silly things we laughed and talked about. How she drove me crazy but I still loved her regardless. It still hasn't sucken in that shes really gone. I just can't really accept it. I can't believe she won't be here to hang out. To go to the movies with to talk online with. To do the things we used to do. I don't know how to face it I don't know how to deal with this. Because I never lost anyone close to me and it hasn't been easy so far. I know it will have to get worse before it gets better. Her funeral is this week and I dread it for many reasons. The main being that this will be final once I see her lying there in her coffin. I already miss her a lot. And I feel a pain in my chest. I just want my sister back I wish things were the same. I know what I'm saying has been said before by other people who lost thier loved ones. But its not fair that she was taken from us. Its not fair that shes not going to live to an old age. If I ever get married and have a family of my own. She will never see them and they will never know her. The thought makes me very sad, and it hurts. I have other siblings but we were never that close. With my other "sister" that hates me for what reason I still don't know and really don't care. And my 2 brothers who don't say much to me. The one person that I considered my only sister is gone. The one I would do almost anything she asked me to do. And I did the best I could for her when she was sick. I still feel guilty I still feel like there was more I could have or should have done. I wish I told her I loved her more often. Where ever she is I hope she knows how much I loved her. And I want her to know how much I will miss her the rest of my life and how I won't stop thinking about her. I hope shes in a better place now I hope shes happy and not in pain anymore. I hope shes not alone and if she did "cross" over*even though I'm not very religous* But I do hope shes with other loved ones that passed. And that shes fine and will be. And I hope when I die that I will see her again. That if I die before my mom I want her to be the first person that greets me into that next life.

God saw you were getting tired and a cure was not to be,
So He put his arms around you and whispered "Come with me."
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer and saw you fade away;
Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating, loving arms were put to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best.