Friday, August 14, 2009
Missing my sister....
Its only been almost 2 weeks since my sister has passed away and 1 week since her funeral. But I am missing my sister everyday. I know as time goes on I will keep thinking about her and will miss her more. Her memory is still fresh in my mind and I'm afraid over time her memory to me will fade. And I won't remember as clearly as I have in my 24 years of living. I keep thinking of the last things I said to her in our last conversations. The last things we did together before she got sick this year. It seems like yesterday when we last went to the show. And when she was over last. So much reminds me of her like certain tv shows, songs on the radio and all of that. Today My mom and myself went to her apartment to go through her things to see what we wanted. And it felt weird going through her personal stuff because it still doesnt seem real. I keep expecting her to be coming home anytime and go "WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MY STUFF?" lol But it makes me sad now I have certain things of hers that makes it more real that shes gone. Like I have this neckless of hers that she always wore and never took off. It makes me feel alittle closer to her having it. And then they are the gifts I gave her from past christmas's and birthdays. Or just stuff random things I gave to her just because I wanted to for no special reason. It makes me feel good that some of those things I gave her she kept and never gave away even though she didn't use or even have use for some of the things I gave her. I think she was easy to please and the simple things meant something to her. Like when I was 7 I gave her a small shell I found when I went to florida with her. She always wore that shell on her neckless from then on because I know it was a sentimental thing to her. Because she wore for over 15 years and never took it off the chain. So now I have it, its special to me and something I want to hold on to and think of her. I just really miss her and I feel sad when I think of her being gone. I loved her and she loved me and no one can take that away. Or no one else could tell me different. I'm the only person who knows how I feel. I'm gonna miss her laugh, her smile, her love, her attitude. I will miss making her laugh and laughing with her. But I really hope someday I will see her again. I mentioned this in my last post about me not being religous. But I always believed when someone dies there spirt goes somewhere. And that is where I like to think she is. Somewhere safe and more happy.
Monday, August 3, 2009
About my sister
Yesterday morning my sister laura passed away from brain cancer. Its been hard trying to deal with it. I have a mix of emotions from sad, angry, shock, denial. Just to name a few.
My sister laura has always been my one sibling that I always had a close relationship with the one I loved more than anything even though I didn't show it. But deep down I did love my sister and cared a great deal about her. It's just weird to talk about her in the past tense. I still can't accept that shes gone and never coming over to my house again. I still half expect her to be coming over knocking on my front door. And we will just talk and watch tv like we used to. I remember when she first got sick this year. Back in febuary I was there when they told her she has tumors in the brain. Of course it felt like a punch in the stomach. This is the 3rd time she had cancer. And every other time shes had it. Its been curable, But not this time. Over the last 5 months shes been up and down. For awhile she was getting better and she did go home from the hospital for a short time. Then slowly over time she went downhill again. it hurt to see her suffer and watch her cry. Watch her tell me how much she was afraid of dying. Spending hours by visiting with her for months though the better and worse times. And I still thought she was going to get better that she would slowly but surely get over this. I keep thinking about all the times we shared about the silly things we laughed and talked about. How she drove me crazy but I still loved her regardless. It still hasn't sucken in that shes really gone. I just can't really accept it. I can't believe she won't be here to hang out. To go to the movies with to talk online with. To do the things we used to do. I don't know how to face it I don't know how to deal with this. Because I never lost anyone close to me and it hasn't been easy so far. I know it will have to get worse before it gets better. Her funeral is this week and I dread it for many reasons. The main being that this will be final once I see her lying there in her coffin. I already miss her a lot. And I feel a pain in my chest. I just want my sister back I wish things were the same. I know what I'm saying has been said before by other people who lost thier loved ones. But its not fair that she was taken from us. Its not fair that shes not going to live to an old age. If I ever get married and have a family of my own. She will never see them and they will never know her. The thought makes me very sad, and it hurts. I have other siblings but we were never that close. With my other "sister" that hates me for what reason I still don't know and really don't care. And my 2 brothers who don't say much to me. The one person that I considered my only sister is gone. The one I would do almost anything she asked me to do. And I did the best I could for her when she was sick. I still feel guilty I still feel like there was more I could have or should have done. I wish I told her I loved her more often. Where ever she is I hope she knows how much I loved her. And I want her to know how much I will miss her the rest of my life and how I won't stop thinking about her. I hope shes in a better place now I hope shes happy and not in pain anymore. I hope shes not alone and if she did "cross" over*even though I'm not very religous* But I do hope shes with other loved ones that passed. And that shes fine and will be. And I hope when I die that I will see her again. That if I die before my mom I want her to be the first person that greets me into that next life.
God saw you were getting tired and a cure was not to be,
So He put his arms around you and whispered "Come with me."
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer and saw you fade away;
Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating, loving arms were put to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best.
My sister laura has always been my one sibling that I always had a close relationship with the one I loved more than anything even though I didn't show it. But deep down I did love my sister and cared a great deal about her. It's just weird to talk about her in the past tense. I still can't accept that shes gone and never coming over to my house again. I still half expect her to be coming over knocking on my front door. And we will just talk and watch tv like we used to. I remember when she first got sick this year. Back in febuary I was there when they told her she has tumors in the brain. Of course it felt like a punch in the stomach. This is the 3rd time she had cancer. And every other time shes had it. Its been curable, But not this time. Over the last 5 months shes been up and down. For awhile she was getting better and she did go home from the hospital for a short time. Then slowly over time she went downhill again. it hurt to see her suffer and watch her cry. Watch her tell me how much she was afraid of dying. Spending hours by visiting with her for months though the better and worse times. And I still thought she was going to get better that she would slowly but surely get over this. I keep thinking about all the times we shared about the silly things we laughed and talked about. How she drove me crazy but I still loved her regardless. It still hasn't sucken in that shes really gone. I just can't really accept it. I can't believe she won't be here to hang out. To go to the movies with to talk online with. To do the things we used to do. I don't know how to face it I don't know how to deal with this. Because I never lost anyone close to me and it hasn't been easy so far. I know it will have to get worse before it gets better. Her funeral is this week and I dread it for many reasons. The main being that this will be final once I see her lying there in her coffin. I already miss her a lot. And I feel a pain in my chest. I just want my sister back I wish things were the same. I know what I'm saying has been said before by other people who lost thier loved ones. But its not fair that she was taken from us. Its not fair that shes not going to live to an old age. If I ever get married and have a family of my own. She will never see them and they will never know her. The thought makes me very sad, and it hurts. I have other siblings but we were never that close. With my other "sister" that hates me for what reason I still don't know and really don't care. And my 2 brothers who don't say much to me. The one person that I considered my only sister is gone. The one I would do almost anything she asked me to do. And I did the best I could for her when she was sick. I still feel guilty I still feel like there was more I could have or should have done. I wish I told her I loved her more often. Where ever she is I hope she knows how much I loved her. And I want her to know how much I will miss her the rest of my life and how I won't stop thinking about her. I hope shes in a better place now I hope shes happy and not in pain anymore. I hope shes not alone and if she did "cross" over*even though I'm not very religous* But I do hope shes with other loved ones that passed. And that shes fine and will be. And I hope when I die that I will see her again. That if I die before my mom I want her to be the first person that greets me into that next life.
God saw you were getting tired and a cure was not to be,
So He put his arms around you and whispered "Come with me."
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer and saw you fade away;
Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating, loving arms were put to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
